update 8.25.2026

august 24, 2026
dear journal,

ive been so busy (also lazy) to write. my mindset has been in jumbles and my emotions have been on a rollercoaster. i’ve had my worst downs and my ok ups. things have been playing out as i expect everything to be, to be honest. if not, better. its my official third week in seattle. my first week here, i did a road trip with dad. we drove, well i did down the oregon coast to seattle. he just freeloaded and enjoyed the views while i (personally think this is impressive knowing my driving record) drove 12 hours straight for two consecutive days, so in total 24 hours. we went through the coast of oregon, stopping at all these beautiful beaches and viewpoints along the way. and i dont know, there was just something so special about the fact that this time i was the one taking dad somewhere. somewhere that i planned, earned, worked hard for, and paid for everything. growing up, the beaches were dads thing. he would take my older sister and me whenever he could, with whatever he knew and whatever he had, while mom stayed home. those were some of my earliest memories with him. and now its the opposite. im all grown now. dads older. im the one driving, and hes the one sitting in the passenger seat staring out the window. my hearts breaking as im writing this because i cant stop thinking about how much older he seems now. i remember constantly looking over at dad during the drive and i could just see how proud he was of me–he tells me so. but at the same time, there was something unspoken between us. im finally leaving. and there was this softness in dads eyes that i dont really know how to explain. he looked so proud and so sad at the same time. like everything he had spent his life raising me to become was finally happening right in front of him, but becoming that person also meant i was going somewhere without him. obviously, two days driving along the oregon coast could never amount to everything hes given me growing up, but it felt like this tiny reversal of our roles. he spent so much of his life taking his daughters places and trying to show us the world with whatever he had, and now i get to show him mine. 

we got to seattle around evening on sunday. forgot which day, but i remember the feeling exactly. the city was glowing as we drove in, my stomach dropped, and in my head this voice constantly chattered, this is home now. (nvm it was august 2)

august 2-5. i spent those few days with dad cleaning, running errands, getting settled, and meeting family members. my silly dad got nightmares several times and would wake up in the middle of the night just to come out and check on me sleeping on the couch. on the last day, I dropped dad off at the airport. I didnt cry the whole time with him but man did i fucking sobbed on my way home while on call with my best friend for support.

life in seattle:

so far, its great, if it wasnt for my mindset. im constantly missing home, but i know that will take some time getting used to. i know i keep mentioning it, but i really had the most amazing summer. all my best friends of over a decade were finally home. i got a car. i literally went everywhere with them and traveled to the most amazing places. i spent almost every second i wasnt working with people i loved. so going from that to moving to a whole new state and living by myself is hard. but i will admit, ive met some amazing people, or people who have just been so unbelievably nice to me, that have made this move a lot easier. literally my first day alone here, a dude i befriended over the summer who lives here came and helped me pick up a dresser and move it into my “home.” we got food and jumped into a lake afterwards that night, not as fun as it sounds though, but we ended the night at some random park looking over the city. the next few days, i got invited to go watch an outdoor cinema, and then paddle boarding with a friend and her sister, and then somehow ended up clubbing on a wednesday. i met up with four girls that i met last summer, i want to say literally only twice but we’ve kept in touch throughout the year. i was invited to one of the girls birthdays and they completely opened their hearts to me. they included me like i had known them for so much longer than i actually had, introduced me to their friends, invited me places (BOAT!!!), and made sure i never felt like the random new girl tagging along. and i dont think they realize how much that means to me right now. i also did a sunrise hike, which in theory sounds exciting until there was no god damn sun at 5 am, just mist and fog. very washington of it all. i also met up with this dude i randomly bumped into a few months ago in palo alto who happened to be a mutual friend of a mini crush i had… such a random connection, but hes also been one of the kindest people since ive moved here, constantly inviting me to things and getting me out of the house. he got me back into beach volleyball too, which i am so proudly (ATTEMPTING) actively pursuing again (going every other day to a sand court). sports has been such a long and frustrating journey for me because i feel like ive constantly gotten injured every time i tried to get back into it. and i know its way too early to say this, and i might be jinxing myself as i write it, but my body has actually been okay. ive been diving into the sand, throwing myself around, playing hard, and somehow waking up the next day without feeling like ive destroyed something. maybe beach volleyball is just better for my body. i really hope so because i forgot how much i love playing. Small things i want to remind myself is, ive been doing lots of happy hours, can easily run an 8 min mile (twice only lol), however have been able to run 10ks easily–idc about the pace for this–, and trying to get back into biking. Since fall is coming so soon, i hope to get into guitar again, take pottery classes, go to football games, settle in with a good group of community. And at least host once! 

also, i am living the dream life right now. im sad still. i miss home like crazy and there are moments where i genuinely question why i left something that made me so happy. but currently, im chilling in my room decorated out by the things ive sourcing on facebook, and all the love and gifts my friends have given me–with my record player playing my favorite songs, about to go to sleep in this little place that i worked so hard for. a place im paying rent for like a big girl. and actually, speaking of being a big girl, holy shit. i bought my own car insurance. registered my car. got my washington drivers license. figured out my own health insurance, dental, and vision. found and scheduled all my own appointments. im working my big girl job and somehow even squeezing in volunteering during my lunch breaks. all these boring little things that nobody really celebrates, but i want to remember them because this is the first time in my life that everything is completely mine to figure out. seattle certainly doesn’t feel like home yet, and i dont expect it to be but tonight. right now, i am looking around and realizing that this life is mine. i built it. and even though part of my heart is still back home with everyone i love, im really proud of the girl sitting here right now. to little ol caroline. (this is the moment i regret not writing a letter to older caroline because i would give anything to know what younger me thought my life would look like right now.) but if i were to look back. I would say. man. youve exceeded every fucking expectation ive ever set for you. all those things that once felt so far away, the things you wondered if you were ever going to be capable of doing, youre doing them. you made it through college. you traveled the world. you found people you love so deeply. you worked your ass off. you moved to a new state by yourself. you built a life that younger you probably couldnt even picture yet.

Youre a big girl now. I’m a big girl now.