dear journal,
its October 2. i dont have much to write about but i want to jot some things down anyways because its always nice to look back upon. its October already, can you believe it? didn't i just move in recently? i still feel so new to this place, but at the same time, i feel like im "almost" finally settled. fall is coming in. life is slowing down. somewhat. leaves are changing and i am feeling a little bit of nostalgic from a place ive never grown up in before. this is what i would imagine the 2010s would be. im seeing things in a different lense. i feel a lot more cozier and seattle is feeling a little bit like home to me... life is great. its genuinely beautiful. i am in my office right now. wearing my typical trench, slacks, my favorite black boots for the fall and a basic white tee. i like my self made uniform. currently listening to "stop this train" by john mayor wishing i have a pumpkin spice chai latte in my hand right now. but the vibe of this all. im feeling like im radiating so much of happiness. everything ive dream up is coming into real life. a dream corporate starting out 20s job in a new city. its no new York for sure but i feel like this is somewhere i wouldn't mind settling down. it got the mountains. the trees. summers pretty, a gorgeous seattle skyline. and fall is just so cozy and comfrting here. now im curious about new England. the song now changed to how deep is your love by the bee gees. recently, i went to the state fair. the other day i went hiking after work. the other other day i went apple picking. i went to a neighborhood yard sale, oh also played volleyball and dislocated my shoulder again which once again made me spiral downwards. i hiked rainier, dog sat a Doberman (my dream dog breed). did a group piercings with a couple of my friends, and had a baseball game. some things i have coming up are workout and guitar classes. i hope to FINAlly get in a routine (probably my 100 times saying that). someone... from home is visiting for a week, haunted wine walk, pumpkin patches, oktober fest, and of course getting lit--its spooky season after all. all this to say. im busy. and i LOVE it. life after college is great. especially when you're all moved out. im also trying this dating thing here in seattle. but truthfully... no one has really caught my eye. most men are mid. in my eyes. ill be honest out of the four men ive dated, only one i can say that im satisfied with is FZ :p. hes kind, driven, romantic, puts me first, has friends, social, in finance, and takes care of me and my friends, extremely smart. more than anything, when he didn’t have much especially since we were broke college students. he still gave everything he can to me. we would share a twin bed for months, always make sure i get my weekly AYCE sushi, surprising me with my favorite flowers, sharing a scooter together around milan. loving him… even that took time. ...and before that, we were great friends. learning to love someone is still a learning in progress. i am currently learning what i actually wanted versus what i thought i wanted which are two very different things. but now that i am single for quite a while now. i often think to myself whats the point of dating when i am so satisfied with everything in my life? especially with the women besides me. if im being honest, i don't think any men can ever beat the bonds i have with my girls. i genuinely think we are soul mates + including alex but hes basically a woman at heart. they are my best friends, my everything. i go to them for literally everything. food, rants, boredom, shopping, errands, sleep. every single one of my thoughts goes to them. they complete me. not only that. these women, i look up to them so much. they are my role model. they're also single AND SO capable. so smart, beautiful, and successful. for those who don't know, every single one of my girls back home are first generation, low income and just to overcome the underserved communities of ESSJ to where they are now...im inspired everyday. these girls are relentless and take up space unapologetically, and they pull each other up while doing it. and being surrounded by women like this? it truly changes me. it raises my standards not just for men, but also for myself. so. yeah, ive been thinking whats the point of dating. when the past year ive seen whats possible when women like us decide we deserve more. so much more. and until then i find someone who can reciprocate the love i receive from these ladies, ill choose growth over settling. some other thoughts ive been having in the back of my thoughts is. im working a corporate job. definitely a dream of mine still and i know freshman college me would be so proud. but i am sitting at a desk working a 9-5 at the end of the day. i guess ive just been daydreaming hard about how just two years ago. i would be in milan, traveling around, meeting new people constantly, exploring and living life. sparking my interest to take a gap and travel. then i worked 3 jobs while being a full time college to fund my grad dream trip to southeast asia. came back, babysat two family again to fund my Europe trip with my best friend. i sacrificed my soul a lot for these trips but it was incredibly so rewarding to live and experience new places. man what a fucking life that i lived... and all that to come back, to spend my little precious moment left this summer with my family and friends. i missed it. i miss them all. and i know, life isn't over yet now that im doing a big girl job but i do still really ache for that freedom. that version of me who had nothing but a backpack and one way ticket AND the audacity to just figure it out as i went. oh well.
