dear journal,
growing up is hard. im 3 months in. i like it here. i love it here. and then sometimes...i dont. ive had my moments already. the good and the bad and i wish i can just reverse back to the beginning of this year when all i could think of and do--is work, save money, travel, spend the precious time ive had left with my friends and family. the only heart break i ever feared and could remember is counting down the time for when i have to leave. now. im just struggling--with life. i try to keep myself physically and mentally busy but i can see that it is draining me now. it is hard. ill admit. when everything seem so perfect--yet internally im falling apart, even after achieving everything, my heart still yearns for familiarity. comfort. home. not places. but people who made my life seem so easy and ordinary. these people back home are my world. i really dont think anyone else can ever amount to that. and id do anything in this moment just to be in their space again. to be in my best friend's bed crying to her, laughing with her, being with her. coming home to my mom asking where ive been. and to eat late night dinner with my grandpa again. this was my life for 23 years straight and with a blink of an eye. i am now all alone. i feel all alone. i am in a place where i once dreamt of but there is this feeling that creeps in when the world gets too quiet. sometimes it swallows me whole and everything feels big again. life was so different back then. 3 years ago, i just needed to escape home and did everything i could to. 2 years ago, i did just that. i left and built myself everything up. 1 year ago, i came back a bit, finished everything up, yearned to leave again--and did. a couple months ago, i achieved everything ive wanted at 23. and now. all i ever want is to go back home... i know the ache i have in my heart is is proof that ive loved my life well but isnt this so funny that this is the cruelest kind of irony. just in this moment, the world feels a bit too big for me and im on the edge, just teethering and verge of letting it all go. i dont regret my choices coming here. i love it. but it is hard. and all i want right now is just alex vy and moms food.
