lets catch up
dear journal—lets catch up
its july 19, 2026. i want to cry. theres been a lump in my throat every hour of the day. i have exactly 12 days left here. less than two freaking week. im growing. ive been telling myself this is what i want. this is what i need to be a better person. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. i think i thought growth would feel exciting and freeing, but right now it just feels like grief. ok i might be bawling right now. breathe. breathe. for the past two months i’ve tried my best spending time with everyone i have love so much. did a trip with my family to hawaii. lost my parents there in the freaking mountains with no service and had to trail run with my brother (we’re both crippled) to find them sitting on a bench watching the waterfalls… nevermind that. Hawaii was beautiful. Even so, it was more rewarding to see my parents look around in awe at something they never imagined they'd have the chance to witness in their lifetime. my mom was embarassingly picking at every fruits she sees because it reminded her so much of vietnam, my dad sitting chalantly each time he gets because one he does needs a breather from all the walking but two—really trying to treasure each moment. and having my siblings and cousins all together in a place that younger me couldn't have even imagined we'd one day experience together. on my last day in hawaii before leaving for the dolomites, my dad kept asking if there was any way to rebook my flight so I could stay with him a little longer. that one hurt more than I think he'll ever know.
dolomites
it was. exactly. everything ive ever dreamed of. even the downs. june 30 was when i arrived in milan by myself and if im being so honest. i know francesco and i broke up for a while now but man was i thankful to see a familiar face in a city i once called home. i don't like soloing it because, for all the places i've been, i've realized my favorite part has always been the people. i think that's obvious whenever i tell people milan is one of my top three favorite cities—because, objectively speaking, that city kind of sucks. but i digress. milan will always hold a piece of my heart—not because of the city itself, but because of the version of me that existed there and the memories that came with her. moving abroad gave me a space to be someone i recognised. it was ungraceful and fucking difficult, i'll admit. lonely even, but i’ve come to terms with the notion sometimes its everything before i can get the chance to liberate. but it was the start of something—the growing familiarity of asking myself why i keep detonating everything familiar just to become a beginner again. But because of that, ii found the answer: every time i let go of a life i've outgrown, i end up meeting a version of myself that i never would have found if i had stayed. and despite how much it hurts every single time, i think there will always be a part of me willing to pay that price if it means becoming the person i've always been searching for. and then there's francesco. hello there lol. the one who helped and watched me become her. seeing him again felt less like reopening an old wound and more like revisiting a childhood home. i don’t know how to explain it. the city ached, but he didn’t. this doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him, but gratitude has a way of looking a lot like love from a distance. we met up again and had the usuals–my favorite: sushi. he gave me all my belongings back, and i couldn't help but laugh when i saw he'd ironed every single thing. even after all this time, he still remembered how particular i am about my clothes. we walked around the city, caught up and even talked about our recent love lives. it felt satisfying. to know that we've made it to the other side of things. to be over it, to be mature about it, and to still be good friends, just as we always had been. it was nice to realize that some parts of us remained untouched by time. given that, of course, after talking, it was shopping!!!! And so in true Francesco fashion, my attempt at dragging him shopping ended at the front door of Zara.
Fast forward: met up with eugenio and his friends, did aperitivo. Got sushi and alex finally joined. Then met up with francesco again with alex there this time. We biked around the city, something i’ve also always done rain or shine. Hot or cold. Even if i was there for less than 24 hours, best believe i am going to max that. We biked until 2 am. Then, when it was time to call it a night, Alex headed home while Francesco and I stayed behind to talk one last time. We kissed. THERE i said it. But yes, i am absolutely over him. I think of it as two people saying goodbye to a version of themselves that only existed when they were together. everything just felt so familiar. the city. the bikes. the conversations. him. how could it not? …And then he walked me back home.
but, as one usually does after having an existential moment at 4 am, i also needed to Euromax. So naturally, Alex and I ventured back out into the night in search of cigarettes. It was unsuccessful.
6 am wake up. walked around the city by myself for a bit, soaking in milan one last time. then I woke Alex up, and we headed to centrale to meet Eugenio before catching our train to Verona. Rented a car and started roadtripping to catinaccio. there it fucking rained. I remember feeling so depressed. Moped around all day in the fucking rain. in my head i thought of, iif I'm spending this much money to get here, i am going to get my damn mountains. so I dragged Alex out with me. though, "dragged" feels unfair. he's my best friend. he would have climbed the mountain barefoot if I had asked. but that evening, we spent it drunk together, jumping on a trampoline in the pouring rain, giggling and laughing like we were kids again. looking back, I think that's my favorite thing about alex. no matter how old we get or where life takes us, we somehow always find our way back to being seventeen. Then i slept early that night.
I woke up at 5 the next morning. It was a clear sky, and I practically jumped out of bed, giddy. I went for a quick run through the village—maybe an hour or so—and then laid in the grass for a while.
I still remember the crisp morning air and the excitement of finally seeing the mountains in all their glory after spending the entire day before hidden behind clouds. This is what I’ve waited for. The fuck ass 29 hours. 4 flights. 3 layovers. Having to be in milan (because i love and hate this city so much). Moreover, The wait of 2 years. Hearing of what dolomites was when i was abroad into knowing what it is when i started
…
Draft: dolomites, talk abt horse, going to ortesei and toured with a local, walking down fuck ass hill
Edinburgh: just w alex, explored, went on a cool date with a local. Took me around niche spots and taught me darts. Was a sweetheart. Showed me around the city
Rome: met up with eugenip. Boring. But drove to south of italy. Beautiful. Peaceful. I enjoyed it a lot. All of these nature trips made me reaffirm seattle is the right choice.
achievimg this at such a young age gives the accomplisment a unique beauty and a sense of pride thats hard toput into words
the girl with too many dreams inhighschool would not believe the stories i have to tell her
A friend message that theyre so proud because this is all ive ever dreamed of in highschool and shes seeing it happen
