today i dislocated my shoulder

oct. 9, 2025

i don’t know how to swim

today i dislocated my shoulder. do you know how embarassing it was? i dislocated my shoulder in water which is basically like air while reaching for another stroke. i like to think i am athletic. or at least i try to be.

i grew up playing volleyball and ran track throughout high school. i think i was good. but my downfall came my senior year when i tore my acl. after a long hiatus, i tried to come back to track. during a high jump at practice, i heard a pop in my knee. suddenly, i couldn’t walk. i told myself it was fine. i’d been injured before. maybe this would pass.

it didn’t. later that week, once i could finally stop limping, i went for a long jump. i heard another pop. that was it. i couldn’t ignore it anymore. after the mri, i found out i had torn my acl and my meniscus. my treatment was surgery and PT. for that summer until i left for college.

my second year of college, i got into a bike accident. i broke several of my back teeth, fractured my left jaw, and broke my arm. my face was covered in scratches and bruises. i barely recognized myself when i looked in the mirror. this was the longest recovery i had ever gone through. it wasn’t just the physical pain. who knew a root canal would become the worst pain of my life. it was the mental strain of missing out on so many things. i couldn’t eat normally for months. i missed school while going back and forth for treatment. as a girl—the hardest part was seeing myself change physically. my appearance felt unbearable at the time.

and then, in the summer of 2025, a simple fall down the stairs was enough. i reached for the railing to stop myself from falling further, and my shoulder dislocated.

my knee still pops every so often. if i try to even jump again to hit a ball. pop. if i try to dive for a ball pop. hell i can barely even run after a pickleball. if i try to do any quick twist and turns. POP. sands and mud and anything that has a slope is dangerous for me. i notice the ground before i notice the sky. it hurts. honestly.

i tried so hard to stay active. i wanted it to be fun again. i enjoy being outdoors. i like the idea of being on a team. i miss the feeling of moving without thinking. of trusting my body to catch me. and it is truly frustrating.

so today i dislocated my shoulder again. i took a swimming class since i figured learning how to swim would be essential. living in california this was the bare minimum i could learn how to do. i told myself this was the right choice, that choosing a low impact sport meant choosing healing, that i was being smart and careful and patient with myself for once.

but while doing freestyle, i dislocated my shoulder. i didn’t even know that was possible. there was a second where i just froze. confused. and then the pain rushed in. and fuck. imagine me. in the water. one arm useless. the other flapping, trying to keep my head above the surface. trying not to drown. i genuinely look like a broken duck struggling to stay afloat.

i cried a lot. of course i did. the pain was embarassing but moreover, man, am i disappointed in myself. i thought finally doing a low mobility sport would help heal my body. instead, i’m back at square one. back to pain, back to fear, back to questioning every movement before i make it. it feels cruel in a quiet way, like even my attempts at care are met with consequences. i’m not angry so much as tired of restarting and feeling like my progress is somethng i can almost touch but never hold onto very long. i miss the simplicity of movement. really. how grateful i am for my body and the way it carries me through days like this but man. this really sucks. i don’t enjoy feeling like caution has replaced joy.